A message sent to my Bible study {support} group today. Because in times like this, prayer is all I have, and the more there are the more I think our chances of getting through this all are. Sigh.

Cancer sucks on so many levels. Most people only hear about the physical struggles. But I think the emotional ones are just as hard, or harder to cope and conquer. Cancer destroys everything and everyone…. my life is so sad on so many levels. :(

Hi ladies. Please pray for Julio and me. Our marriage is really suffering, too many issues, and his selfishness, selfcenteredness, self righteousness have sunk in so deep it’s seeming impossible to get out of this rut. It’s exhausting, and I can almost feel pieces of me inside dying beyond repair. Barely any communication, the more I try to communicate, the more I get blamed for. So I’m shutting down. There’s a feeling of guilt in wanting to just continue moving on, but if I stay in the same spot focused and engrossed in what is the big elephant in the room I find myself alone and being blamed for it all. I cannot find peace, happiness, love, and according to his actions it seems I can’t do/say anything right, no matter how hard I try. I am exhausted. Prayers that he can see beyond himself and understand my side and my needs. I feel like I’ve been talking a foreign language as he continues to not understand or take blame. I need understanding in what God’s plan is with all this, I need to see light at the end of the tunnel, and I need to find peace and happiness and love. Need God to fill me, guide and help me (us) through all this. Thanks girls, and needless to say I seriously don’t want this shared beyond our group.

May you or a loved one never have to endure the agonies, struggles and God-awful truths and heartbreaks of the big C. I pray someday soon the cure for all Cancers will be found.

A world without Cancer. Now that would be the perfect dream come true.

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“Heart of Gold” by Neil Young

I want to live,
I want to give
I’ve been a miner
For a heart of gold.
It’s these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.
Keeps me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.

I’ve been to Hollywood
I’ve been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean
For a heart of gold
I’ve been in my mind,
It’s such a fine line
That keeps me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.
Keeps me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.

Keep me searching
For a heart of gold
You keep me searching
For a heart of gold
And I’m getting old.
I’ve been a miner
For a heart of gold.

~

Its been almost 2 yrs since we started our war against cancer. I ask myself sometimes, ”Where has it all gone?” Then I stop, look at myself in the mirror, the reflection of an aged woman, wife, mother, daughter, friend. Thrity one running on 50s. It shows. I see the fears, worries, stress & exhaustion, most evidently reflected in the face that adorns my beaten and abused warrior soul. That’s where time has gone. A complete, selfless investment in the fight against this war.

What is that they say, “the eyes are the key to the soul.” Well, my soul must be lost then. My eyes, scream hurt and fear; frown lines, more deeply embedded – living scars of endless worries; wrinkles, giving up all the stress a human can take; a mouth, that finds itself constantly screaming and trying to say so much sometimes without being able to; a nose, which so many times seems incapable of smelling the roses. Mindless blur. Time has passed.

Two years into all this, Oct. 14th. I will forever remember that date in the darkest of lights. It was our 9-11. Pain, suffering, agony & chaos, which on some days I feel I can no longer take. Uncertainty. The worst of it all. Our life as we knew it completely changed that day in 2010. Victoria was not even 6 months old, that makes it even sadder.

Just the other day I was looking back in time and my heart  ached when I realized how much I’d missed of my little girl’s growing up in her short 2 years of existence. I have dived  into this war so deeply, made Julio my priority above all things, been there for him solidly to the point of not leaving his side at the hospital for 10 days straight. I’ve often had to put my kids on the sidelines, coming in second, living the life they deserve to live whenever there’s the time and mind to do it. I don’t take them to the park enough. I don’t remember the last time I took them to eat ice cream, or street fairs, coney islands, trips. We’ve been to the pool once this summer, and there’s only 2 weeks left of it. I feel like a failure as a mother.

I feel like I’ve failed Victoria in many ways, robbing her of joyful experiences with us, like the ones we had with Nico. We have not even traveled with her. By age 3, Nico had traveled to Venezuela, Dominican Republic and Canada. Life was so different. Flourishing, uncomplicated. Everything is at the opposite of the spectrum now. I got the short end of the stick with her though, because just like she’ll never remember these times when she’s older, I will on the contrary carry forever the open scars of a life missed, all those little things I missed of her baby years.

Will I ever be able to forgive myself?

I don’t know.

Sometimes life is like that. All part of God’s greater plan.

So after everything, and the continuance of battles and scars, I keep searching for my own Heart of Gold. “I’ve been in my mind”, God knows far too much, “searching for a heart of gold, and I’m getting old.” Amazing how songs can resonate so much on your own life, and your soul. Hey Neil (Young), have you been looking into my life through a keyhole? I thought so. Thanks for putting my thoughts out there, for the universe to hear. You are simply amazing.

I want to live, I want to give.

Yes, I want to live a life rich in happiness, love and good health. I also want to give all that, to Julio and my family. It has dawned on me that instead of killing my heart and burning my soul with all the negativity, stress, worries, fears and pain of this war, I need to learn how to putall that aside and fill my heart and nourish my soul with more and more Love. When I do that I’ll be able to truly give my all to the universe. I will truly be able to give Love with all my heart, mind, body and soul, and therefore nourish and foster blessed relationships with Julio, my kids, and myself. Julio deserves that every step of the way. He’s unworthy of all this madness; he’s a good man: kind, sweet, loving, responsible, hard working, and mindful. He’s a fighter. My kids also deserve all that from me. After all, I am the pillar holding this fortress, I cannot crumble.

“I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold…and I’m getting old.” Yes, I keep pounding away through all the ups and downs of our war. My “heart of gold” is… Light at the end of this tunnel. A cure for Julio. A happy, loving, healthy life. The ability to plan and dream of the future, our future, together.

Lat night I went to sleep through a flashback into our old life, when Julio was healthy, when we were blissfully happy. It was a myriad of images conveying joyful and wonderful moments in time, our life, happiness, love, dreams come true. Happy, beautiful thoughts. Memories. Yet, I found myself crying as I realized those times had long passed, and are our history, and our present all too overwhelming has drowned them all away. So dismal. I felt so disconsolate. Heartbroken.

Mother Theresa once said:

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

Today I watched the movie Eat Pray Love, the story itself and Neil Young’s song “Heart of Gold” (tuned into a scene) redefined this whole notion, defining the message of this real life story made into movie, and giving meaning to mine.

Prayers answered.

“Love until it hurts”… Love more and more, through fears and exhaustion, through scrambling and readjustment, through findings and changes, through struggle, through uncertainty…through faith. If you hold back Love because the fears of uncertainty and all that which is out of your control, you cannot fulfill God’s plans and life’s purpose to Love one another.

Love your blessings. Love life.

Love your family. Family is forever.

And just like that… no matter what  the tide brings, Love will live forever.

Love now, more and more. Don’t hold back.

Forgive yourself today, for the Love you have held back intentionally and/or unintentionally, the Love you have starved, the Love you have not given or expressed enough. Acceptance and then forgiveness are keys to moving on.

Continue to Love tomorrow, more and more.

Love forever, more and more through it all.

Tomorrow is uncertain. Live the present. Live today. Right now.

This moment can be beautiful a midst it all, if you Love with your all. Give Love entirely, selflessly, unconditionally at all times. I need to teach myself this and live by it.

God’s plan is greater than us all, unbeknownst to us and completely out of our control.

Give your all and just Love.

~

“Harvest Moon” by Neil Young

Come a little bit closer
Hear what I have to say
Just like children sleepin’
We could dream this night away.

But there’s a full moon risin’
Let’s go dancin’ in the light
We know where the music’s playin’
Let’s go out and feel the night.

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

When we were strangers
I watched you from afar
When we were lovers
I loved you with all my heart.

But now it’s gettin’ late
And the moon is climbin’ high
I want to celebrate
See it shinin’ in your eye.

Because I’m still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I’m still in love with you
On this harvest moon.

~

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2012: May through July

July 26, 2012 Butterfly

I have been living. That is my excuse for not keeping up with my blog. I have been running around all over as usual with the kids, and we’ve fought a few more battles against Julio’s cancer. Life. Yeah, it ain’t picture perfect, but we are living alas, and for that we’re thankful. For a […]

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Listen to His message

May 1, 2012 Butterfly

I felt an urgent need for God last Sunday, April 29. It was a typical Sunday, with a typical routine run down all day with the kids and Julio, and life in general. I did manage to get a (very needed, ehem) pedicure in the afternoon, which was definitely not part of the daily routine […]

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Deliverance

April 30, 2012 Warriors of Life

In the last post I talked about the first half of the message God gave me as I sought Him out. I have had so many questions, doubts, fears, and I prayed for His mercy through deliverance, and His comfort, strength and love through this ordeal. I prayed His will be done, but whatever it was […]

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Bloody cough

April 26, 2012 Warriors of Life

On April 19, I Called Dr. Okereke because I am really worried Julio coughed up 3 significant fully thick bright red bloody sputums. They were really bright red, not clear with a bit of bloody tinge. I really freaked out, and my heart sank when I saw them. I thought to myself, “This just can’t […]

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The Stent & The Worsening Cough

April 26, 2012 Warriors of Life

We saw Dr. Okereke and Dr. Sheski on Wed, and it was all good news. The chest Xray showed the stent was perfectly in place, the left lung was entirely opened and clear. Things looked great. BUT there’s still the unstoppable annoying cough. I told the Drs about the sleepless nights, and how the cough has worsened […]

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Sutent: Cycle 1, Week 4

April 26, 2012 Sutent

Wrapping up Cycle 1 of Sutent, and closing the month of April. Food still tastes awful, but Julio hasn’t been losing weight (and yes, that’s great). We’ve included Boost and Muscle Milk shakes (whey protein chocolate powder mixed with milk) into his diet, and clearly they have helped tremendously with giving him nutrition and protein […]

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Sutent: Cycle 1, Week 3

April 26, 2012 Sutent

Week 3: Adaptation Julio significantly reduced, and then simply went cold turkey on the oral pain meds. He’s been fine without them, though he has continued to use the 50 mcg Fentanyl patches for 3 days at a time. This is a good step in the right direction, and it makes me think maybe the Sutent […]

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Sutent: Cycle 1, Week 2

April 13, 2012 Sutent

Week 2, wrapped up with no adverse events or side effects (thank God!). I should also report Julio is feeling better in general respect, though the cough (stent-induced, most-likely) still persists and even keeps him up for some time during the nights. It’s a nuisance, and I could almost swear it’s worst when he’s laying down. […]

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